One of my favoritest (<— made up a word again) bloggers put together a dating disaster link up and I just HAD to be a part of it. If you know me, you know I have a LOT of dating disasters that have happened in just the past few months. I’m going to tell you about my first date since becoming single last year because it almost made me go hide in a corner and never talk to a guy again.
Yep, get ready.
So, right after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I thought it’d be a GREAT idea to try out online dating. If you know me, you know that I’m quite possibly the most impatient person in the world. I had no idea how to date (still don’t) so I picked a quick fix and signed up for a free online dating site.
First of all – WHOA. If you want a confidence booster, join a free site. I had SO many message and was feeling pretty awesome. I scheduled a ton of dates, but was super nervous. My first date was with A* (I’ll leave his full name off) at Starbucks. Simple enough.
I got to Starbucks and sat in my car for a couple of minutes because A told me he was running late. After about 15 minutes, I got a text that said “Come on, Passat girl ;)”. Weird. I never told A that I had a Passat but he must’ve seen me creepily playing on my phone waiting for him.
I get out of my car, walk past someone and almost get in the door when someone yells “Hey, Jessie!” I turn around and say, “Yeah?” The guy I walked by was standing there and was like “Hey! I’m A*”. He looked absolutely nothing like his picture and I knew instantly I would never be attracted to him. Insert panic mode.
My nice girl takes over and I still go into the store with him even though my brain is telling me to RUN! We get inside, he pays for my drink and we sit down at a table. At this point, I realize he’s lugging around one of those HUGE plastic Target bags. When we sit down, I ask him what it is and he goes, “Your gifts of course!”
He then proceeds to make me open FIVE individually wrapped gifts and tells me a story for each one.
1) Moving Supplies
2) Dove Chocolates
3) Oreos (apparently he was trying to make me fat)
4) A family-sized box of fruit snacks
And last but not least, he hands me a journal with England on the outside of it and says “I know you love Ireland, but England is basically the same place.”
Oh, don’t worry, there’s more. 🙂
Since I am still more worried about hurting his feelings than my well-being, I continue to sip on my drink and pretend to listen to him bash feminism (I was a Women & Genders Studies minor so good luck with that one) and talk about politics. His phone rings, he answers, talks to his dad for 3-4 minutes and then continues the conversation with me about how all women should be pregnant and in the kitchen. I’m actually surprised i didn’t throw up in his face.
Finally, he notices I’m really not paying attention to him so he starts talking about how much he loves his gun. I snap out of my irritable day dream and look at him like he’s nuts. I was like, “Yeah, I’m not much of a gun girl” and he says “Oh, but at least I could always protect you. Like right now! If some creep walks in to this place, I could protect you.”
“You have a gun on your RIGHT NOW?” I’m pretty sure at this point my heart is in my throat. He says, “Yep!” I look at him and say, “I’m sorry, I think it’s about time to wrap this up. I’ve got a long night of packing ahead of me…” and he goes, “Oh, no worries! I need to go home and take my yum-yums anyway.”
Want to know what a yum-yum is? Mood medication. This guy just told me he has a gun on him and the next words out of his mouth were about mood medication. Not exactly something you should talk about simultaneously. I don’t think I’ve ever walked faster in my life. He gave me all of my gifts, saying I just HAD to take them and then let me go. The next day he texted me asking if he should continue to pine after me and I said, “Please don’t ever talk to me again.” He sent me a text that said, “From this point forward, A* will no longer contact Jessie. If he does, feel free to contact customer service to complain.”
And that, my friends, is why I will never online date again. I’ll take my chances with the “normal” places. You know, like bars and the gym. 😉
What are your dating disasters? Check out Erin’s – her story is AWESOME!